Have you ever felt like you wanted to just start over? Just get away from everything around you right now, go someplace where no one knows you and just be someone new? Being at home makes me feel that way. I know a lot of my posts have the "home problems" topic, but it's just not going away. I hate home. I hate drama, fighting, arguing, and anything that deals with any of those things. And to be around it sucks balls. You know that feeling you get when you think bad things are happening and you think it's because of you? But it really isn't? But you can't help think IT IS because of you? That's how I feel whenever I'm home. Everyday, I wish I could just leave and just start over. Forget everything and just be away. Like one of those movies where the main character has this horrible past and he decides to leave it and start this great new life in some random place, and later gets discovered by someone he knew a long time ago. I seriously want to do that. Or at least just be away from home. I think it was from my last post or the one before that, that I mention I want to change and make things better for me and my family. And I do, really. But the environment I'm in just makes it hard for me to fully focus on that goal. I hate having negativity and drama around me. It sucks and it's uncomfortable. And as much as I'd like to leave it behind, I know doing so means I'll be leaving my mom with it. And that's something I don't want to do. I want her to be happy. I want her out of this "home" too.
I've never been a religious person. I don't go to church anymore but when someone asks what my religion is, I say Catholic. I guess I just don't understand enough of the religion or I don't have the interest to fully commit to it, or for whatever reason it is, but I've always questioned faith. Why all the bullshit? Is it really just God testing our faith? I know people go through a lot of worse things and never let their faith get rattled... but a lot of those people also die not getting their prayers answered. Maybe they get answered after death? Who knows. I don't know if I'm strong or brave enough to wait for it, but maybe I should try seriously just praying and hoping for the best, that things will work themselves out. I know running away is the easy way out but I've already dreamed and pictured myself doing it. Getting away from my family and forgetting whatever drama they have.
I've been considering asking my auntie or uncle if I can stay with them for a while, to get away, like my brother did (but not all the way in New York because I don't wanna put off school anymore). I just want some time away from my parents and let them deal with whatever they have to deal with.
