ugh

Have you ever felt like you wanted to just start over? Just get away from everything around you right now, go someplace where no one knows you and just be someone new? Being at home makes me feel that way. I know a lot of my posts have the "home problems" topic, but it's just not going away. I hate home. I hate drama, fighting, arguing, and anything that deals with any of those things. And to be around it sucks balls. You know that feeling you get when you think bad things are happening and you think it's because of you? But it really isn't? But you can't help think IT IS because of you? That's how I feel whenever I'm home. Everyday, I wish I could just leave and just start over. Forget everything and just be away. Like one of those movies where the main character has this horrible past and he decides to leave it and start this great new life in some random place, and later gets discovered by someone he knew a long time ago. I seriously want to do that. Or at least just be away from home. I think it was from my last post or the one before that, that I mention I want to change and make things better for me and my family. And I do, really. But the environment I'm in just makes it hard for me to fully focus on that goal. I hate having negativity and drama around me. It sucks and it's uncomfortable. And as much as I'd like to leave it behind, I know doing so means I'll be leaving my mom with it. And that's something I don't want to do. I want her to be happy. I want her out of this "home" too.

I've never been a religious person. I don't go to church anymore but when someone asks what my religion is, I say Catholic. I guess I just don't understand enough of the religion or I don't have the interest to fully commit to it, or for whatever reason it is, but I've always questioned faith. Why all the bullshit? Is it really just God testing our faith? I know people go through a lot of worse things and never let their faith get rattled... but a lot of those people also die not getting their prayers answered. Maybe they get answered after death? Who knows. I don't know if I'm strong or brave enough to wait for it, but maybe I should try seriously just praying and hoping for the best, that things will work themselves out. I know running away is the easy way out but I've already dreamed and pictured myself doing it. Getting away from my family and forgetting whatever drama they have.

I've been considering asking my auntie or uncle if I can stay with them for a while, to get away, like my brother did (but not all the way in New York because I don't wanna put off school anymore). I just want some time away from my parents and let them deal with whatever they have to deal with.

I just really need to hate right now

What the fuck is the deal with "Twilight"? I'm sick and tired of it. Fuck all the little girls who fall in love with these stupid vampire love story shit. IT'S NOT THAT CREATIVE. OOOOOOOOOOOOH, I'm an emo girl who found a good lookin' vampire, YADDA YADDA YADDA! give me a break! I know it's not the last I'm going to see of something teenager girls will go super, crazy, gonna-kill-themselves-if-they-ever-live-without-it, thing, but this is happening right now and will continue happening until the last freaking movie is out and done with. Peep this. She explains what the deal is. "So if you've seen the video, why are you blogging about it?" READ THE TITLE. I'm tired of the stupid Twilight hype. It needs to stop. And Denise said it on Facebook: stop comparing this trash to Harry Potter. Because you can't compare some lowly trash like Twilight to Harry Potter. HP is better and there will never be any competition between the two.


And one more thing: MTV is a sell out. Hella gave all the awards to those vampire bitches. You're seriously telling me Twilight won best movie over The Dark Knight? Fuck off you pedophiles. Stop sucking up to the little kids just to get ratings.

time to grow...

So everything comes out. My post about all the bitchin' going on at home, everything came out tonight. And you know, I learned a lot from it.

1. My stepdad (who after this will be called "the guy") is a lot of things but a good guy. Don't get me wrong. He's done a lot of things for my mom, brother and me that I appreciate so much. But now that I think of it, that was only because all of it were part of the job description of being a stepdad. The guy is racist. As most of us know, many of the older Filipino generations are racists towards many other races other than Pinoys. Specifically, he's racist towards Black people (just going by what happened with the argument I heard). Next, he's sexist. He believes men are greater than women, that they have no voice or rights whatsoever. And finally, he's just straight up nuts. I don't know if it's because of his other 2 marriages that made him the way he is, but he's crazy. It might be a little too much for me to be calling me crazy because if anything, he's just traumatized from his last 2 marriages but he does/says things that a normal husband should not even say. Heck, not even a normal person in my opinion. So basically: he's missing a few screws.

2. My mom moved way too fast marrying him. I don't even know how many times they saw each other or if they even knew each other fully before they got married. She didn't know anything about him and the only reason why she married him was because she's afraid to grow old alone. I don't blame her for that. I would be afraid too. But yeah, they moved way too fast.

3. I'm a horrible son. The whole argument (my brother and I were called to listen to them and be a part of the argument) the guy screamed and accused my mom of all these things: she was a liar, everything that happened is all her fault, etc. And you know what I did during that whole time? Nothing. I put my head down, stared at the floor and let the guy insult my mother. I couldn't even defend my own mom. What kind of son am I? I bitch a lot about different things and I say how I will react if something happens to me but tonight is proof that talk is cheap. Because something happened and I wasn't able to do what I said I would do if my mom was under some sort of harrassment or trouble. I left my mom hanging. At least my brother tried to comfort her during the whole thing. But I did nothing.

I learned a lot about myself. I have a lot of things I have to change/improve about myself. Right now I'm mad at myself for how I didn't act. I'm saying it right now: I WILL CHANGE. I've said that before. I've used my mom as a reason for me to do my best and to achieve my goals, and I've ALWAYS underachieved, and you know what, that's all on me. I was all talk. But not anymore. Tonight has given me a push. I swear I will do better in school. I swear I will defend my loved ones, especially my mom. No one will ever talk to them that way. I swear I will speak my mind. If I got something to say about something, I will say it. I swear I will start doing something with my life. 20 years of existence and what do I have to show for it? That is unacceptable. I swear I will be a better son and a better person. It's time to take some responsibility and to grow some balls. I swear I won't only spit it, but also make it happen. I swear.

basketball for the win!

If you don't know, I'm a pretty big fan of basketball. My team? The Detroit Pistons. I just love watching that DEEEE-TROIT BASKETBALL! Haha. Unfortunately this year, they made some personnel moves (which btw, i disliked very much), that resulted in them having a below .500 record. I pretty much hated my team this year. The moves they made were just, not smart. But it was cool though, there was still a lot of basketball on. Moving on, like I said, I'm a fan of basketball. I love the game. Even though I do have a team that I will cheer for every season (other than this year), I watch everyone else and admire and appreciate their game. This post-season has been pretty amazing. The first round was pretty boring, other than the Bulls/Celtics series. GOD! the baby Bulls are gonna be a competitive team in the East next season. Second round was better. Rockets took Lakers to the brink, WITHOUT Yao, and nearly won, the Celts went to another 7 game series, Denver killed the Mavs, and King James cruised right on through once again. And now, the third round. Both series' have been amazing. The 4 best teams in league are still playing and it can't get any better. Heck, did you see today's Cavs/Magics game?! Lebron just made amazing happen! You missed history if you missed the game.

But why am I talking all about this? It sounds like something that I should be talking about on a basketball forum right? Well, all that was just an intro. I really wanted to talk about fans (pretty long intro just for fans huh?). But yeah, fans. We're all fans of something or someone. Just check out people's Facebooks, lol. But I think one of the most passionate fans out there are sports fans. There are so many things that sports fans can do to keep up with or represent their team. Jerseys, season tickets, memorabilia's, watching the games on tv, and Sportscenter. Sports fans are constantly updated/representing their team all year long. (Jeez, I should get to my point. I guess I just have to say all this after all the hype of today's game and of some people that I'm talking about) But there is one thing that annoys the hell out of me about fans, they're obnoxious and biased. The fact that they will go to hell for their team is what makes them such great fans. But it also makes them annoying. Everything that comes out of their mouths are in favor of their team. I get that they're defending their team and want nothing but praises for them, but jeez! They go to the extreme. If you know New York fans, then you know what I mean. If you argue with them about the Yanks, you will NEVER win. I just think that you should support your team to the fullest, but don't let your love for them be the only thing that comes out of your mouth. If you're a fan of a team, you know as well as anyone if they make a mistake or they're inferior to another team. ADMIT IT. There ain't nothing wrong with that. I just think there are a lot of fans today that are ridiculous. Their minds only see their team and no one else.

Maybe I'm arguing about something I know I have no chance of winning. Maybe that IS the definition of a fan: to support and praise your team at no end. But I just think above anything else, being a sports fan means loving the game. It's something that I've been noticing lately when I talk basketball with my cousin and my brother. They hate players, for no reason. It's mostly with my bro though. When the Celts lose, "Yeah, Pierce, Allen, and Rondo sucks that's why." When they win, "That was luck!" With my cousin, he dislikes Lebron. I don't know why, but he does. I would argue with them, but I know the outcome will be the same, so I don't. I guess I just want them to be the same kind of fan as I am. I know that will never happen, because we're all different individuals. But if they're reading this and I can just say one thing to them, and to all the sports fans out there, it would be this: remember to appreciate the game. Appreciate the game of the other players and not just the players of your team. Yeah you're gonna want to have certain teams lose, but don't hate the players when you know they have serious game. The Celtics took 2 teams to 7 games without their best player and Lebron is becoming, if he isn't already, the new face of basketball. You can't even hate on them. Or anyone for that matter. Just think about it. When you're telling stories to your kids about the great players of your day, do you want to be talking about just 2 or 3 players who were in the same team? Or do you wanna have a lot of stories about ALL the great players that you had the chance to see play the game you love? And in the future, people will be comparing the new players with the players of today. You gotta have more than a few players to campare the new kids with right?

Keep on reppin' your team but don't be a hater. When your teams rival beats you because they score 60 points or beats you with a game winning 3 point shot, don't ignore what they did. Recognize what they did. Be a sport and accept it when you know your team lost to a better team for that one game. Your team lost because that player you hate so much in the other team is a GREAT player. The Kobe's, Lebron's, D-Wade's, Melo's, Dwight Howard's, etc. are are the kinds you should love to watch ALL THE TIME. Because those are the guys that are gonna make some little kid somewhere love the game of basketball the way MJ did for you when you were young.

plans, plans, plans

Plans! They're suppose to be really helpful right? They help put your day in order and make it run smoothly. There's nothing like doing things the way you planned it. But plans are pretty delicate. One little thing throws off everything. Being slightly late, something not happening on time, forgetting something, they all cause any plans you have, no matter how good, to come crashing down. I used to go by plans. Not that I was a freak about it, you know? I mean, yeah I got mad or upset if something didn't go according to plan, but I was never one of those whose world ended because of it. But I did get pretty upset if it didn't. But then I realized, nothing was worth getting upset over like that. Ever since then I've been pretty flexible when it came to sudden changes. And you know what? I'm glad. Coz seeing people who stress over those little changes, they're stressing their selves out even more. Your plans were already messed up, your bitching about it doesn't make it go the way you want. It already went off track. I want to tell those people to calm down so bad but I know all they see is their broken plans. That's just who they are and I just gotta let them be. But for those who are reading this, and by "those" I mean like, the one follower I have (-_-), and maybe those who actually see I have a blog (thanks to my AIM profile) and check it out, if you're like this, be flexible. Things are more fun when its spontaneous because you never know what's gonna happen. Isn't that one of the many great things about life? Finding out what you don't know? Plus, always going by a structured schedule is pretty lame and boring if it's the way you do things all the time. You gotta freestyle man!

blame it on the... Nick and Disney?

Little girls are annoying right? Not little in size. I guess I should say young girls are annoying. Those middle school girls who I guess start going through puberty and like, start watching and understanding more dramas. Why do I bring it up? Coz I have little cousins (2 girls, and, I guess 1 guy. "I guess" becuase I started with "young girls" but he applies to this). These three cousins of mine are on that phase where, they love the next person they see. None of that puppy love thing where you have a little crush, no. Full blown "O-M-G! I love him/her so much!"

First, my guy cousin. He asked me one day, for girl advice. He wanted to know if I ever liked anyone. I answered him. Then he continued to ask other questions: "Have you ever gone to a school dance?", "Have you ever had a date to the dance?", "Have you ever slow danced with someone?", "If so, did you like that girl? and did you tell her?" By that last question, I go, "You like someone huh?" and he says, "Yeah, there's two of them." Now a lot of guys would be like, hell yeah, little homie got game! But dude, c'mon. Really?

Then the two girl cousins. OMG they have new status things on their AIM like every day. Always something about "wanting to be with you", or "I hate being mad at you", and, the one that made me decide to blog about this, "It sucks we're not together, but I guess I'll survive somehow..." 'I guess I'll survive somehow'?! Wow man... wow.

I'm not hating or anything. I'm not saying they shouldn't have little feelings for their peers, little crushes. I just think that it's ridiculous how 10, 11, or 12 year olds already throw around the "love" word. Whatever happened to just being a kid? At their age, I was watching Hey Arnold!, playing with trading cards, and playing tag outside with my friends. I know it's not their fault. It's the media. It's ALWAYS the media. Disney and Nickelodeon especially. They used to be the kids channel. Now they're something else. Bring back the 90's Nick, I say!

p.s. HSM was still cool though. HAHAHA!

can't tell my parents, so here goes

You know how your parents watch those dramas on TFC? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. The ones they go crazy over. They make sure someone records it for them, they get so mad when you forget or when they don't get to watch it, and the ones they always cry to. THOSE dramas. They go totally lunatic over it. And when you're the same way about something on tv, they tell you that you're childish and shit even if they're doing the same thing. You get the picture. Anyways, you know how they also yell at the tv screen when one of the characters do something they don't like? "Oh my gaaahd! Don't go with him, salbahe siya ('He's bad' for you non-Tagalog speakers)!" Well yeah, they always seem to know what those characters should do and should not do. They know what the right decision is and when the characters are making a bad one. But when it comes to real life, they're as stupid as those characters they love to hate. They get together with people they shouldn't get together with and they endure everything because they "love that person" so much. BULLSHIT! don't give me that crap. I don't understand why they don't understand when someone is making their life miserable. Is it the Asian thing? The fact that many Asian want to save face and not look bad to other people? Especially relatives? But why the fuck does that matter? When it comes to your happiness, are you really willing to give it up just to look good? Jesus! Get over yourselves. If it ain't working, then LET IT THE FUCK GO. If you're miserable together and happy apart, it's not hard to decide where to go. Maybe it's because you want a partner to help pay bills/rent and so you can live out the rest of your life? Find someone BETTER. Someone who you won't fight with every other week. You preach harmony and togetherness in the house when the UNtogetherness starts with the two of you.

"Maybe you can help out by looking for a job?" I AM TRYING. I've applied to a lot of places. But it's kinda hard to find one because you know, the economy kinda sucks ass and no one really hiring. Plus I have to take into account where the job is since I have no car!

Maybe the source of all this is exactly that: the economy. Yeah, it sucks companies are shutting down, you're scared you will lose your job next, your children seem like they're not making an effort to find jobs to help support our "family". Just maybe. But you still preach family. So do just that. SUPPORT each other. Don't unleash your anger at each other because that won't make anything better. How long has it been? 3 years? That we've all been living under one roof? Almost 3 years you've been together? STOP FIGHTING! Stop being emo and sensitive about every little thing. You're worse than kids because you let something you can't control, fuck everything up. Understand I AM trying to find a job. I WANT TO HELP US GET THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES. But hearing constant yelling and complaining every night doesn't actually boost my morale about us continuing into the future as a family. Let's all grit our teeth and grinf it out. Move FORWARD, don't push back. BE A FAMILY.