time to grow...

So everything comes out. My post about all the bitchin' going on at home, everything came out tonight. And you know, I learned a lot from it.

1. My stepdad (who after this will be called "the guy") is a lot of things but a good guy. Don't get me wrong. He's done a lot of things for my mom, brother and me that I appreciate so much. But now that I think of it, that was only because all of it were part of the job description of being a stepdad. The guy is racist. As most of us know, many of the older Filipino generations are racists towards many other races other than Pinoys. Specifically, he's racist towards Black people (just going by what happened with the argument I heard). Next, he's sexist. He believes men are greater than women, that they have no voice or rights whatsoever. And finally, he's just straight up nuts. I don't know if it's because of his other 2 marriages that made him the way he is, but he's crazy. It might be a little too much for me to be calling me crazy because if anything, he's just traumatized from his last 2 marriages but he does/says things that a normal husband should not even say. Heck, not even a normal person in my opinion. So basically: he's missing a few screws.

2. My mom moved way too fast marrying him. I don't even know how many times they saw each other or if they even knew each other fully before they got married. She didn't know anything about him and the only reason why she married him was because she's afraid to grow old alone. I don't blame her for that. I would be afraid too. But yeah, they moved way too fast.

3. I'm a horrible son. The whole argument (my brother and I were called to listen to them and be a part of the argument) the guy screamed and accused my mom of all these things: she was a liar, everything that happened is all her fault, etc. And you know what I did during that whole time? Nothing. I put my head down, stared at the floor and let the guy insult my mother. I couldn't even defend my own mom. What kind of son am I? I bitch a lot about different things and I say how I will react if something happens to me but tonight is proof that talk is cheap. Because something happened and I wasn't able to do what I said I would do if my mom was under some sort of harrassment or trouble. I left my mom hanging. At least my brother tried to comfort her during the whole thing. But I did nothing.

I learned a lot about myself. I have a lot of things I have to change/improve about myself. Right now I'm mad at myself for how I didn't act. I'm saying it right now: I WILL CHANGE. I've said that before. I've used my mom as a reason for me to do my best and to achieve my goals, and I've ALWAYS underachieved, and you know what, that's all on me. I was all talk. But not anymore. Tonight has given me a push. I swear I will do better in school. I swear I will defend my loved ones, especially my mom. No one will ever talk to them that way. I swear I will speak my mind. If I got something to say about something, I will say it. I swear I will start doing something with my life. 20 years of existence and what do I have to show for it? That is unacceptable. I swear I will be a better son and a better person. It's time to take some responsibility and to grow some balls. I swear I won't only spit it, but also make it happen. I swear.